Will There Ever Come A Day When I Can Turn Around & Say Its Alright Now?

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 01:37:42 GMT

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Tense as I await his reply....

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 15:50:35 GMT

Daily Overview for October 12, 2006
Provided by Astrology.com Daily Extended Forecast

Quickie:
You should sense a new beginning coming soon -- hold tight. It's worth the wait.

Oooo

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 05:55:12 GMT

3 good things in one days....and 1 bad.....

First, i get told that my voice was heard, and Glenn who knows ppl in recording, want me to send in a recording of me singing!!! I thought i sucked??? I dunno, but I was offered to join a band!!!! Ooo....

Second, I fiiiiinnally hear from Brad, back from the dead I see, or turns out we just both heard from friends eachother moved away haha....party on wayne....

Third, I have the evanescence cd, YES THIS COUNTS!

But now for the bad.....i finally told my dad how I felt....it was empowering, and yet, i sit here awake and depressed wondering what he'll think once he reads his email....upset??? furious??? god knows....

Could this be the return of shannon?

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 04:12:02 GMT

"Far Away"

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Is that all there is.....

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 17:06:00 GMT

Ya too much 50's music at work.... anywhoo, my bday went nice, my family planned a surprise party for me, in which i found out cos my mom gave it away, so i didnt have the shocked look they expected...ah well, but it was fun :) and lots of loot woo...so ill make some ty cards and find time to do some 21 partying..... lol :) anywhoo, I think after all these years, I'm not emo enough to keep up this journal.... sure there's some fab memories i should write down but I dunno.... the drive isnt there anymore to gossip to myself lol. How cancer can ya get? c'mon! lol... anyway, *hugs* thanks all for reading, or if ive been talking to myself, yay me for keeping up to date with all the highs and lows of my unusual life.... I'll prolly come crawling back, but for now, the writing, she is done.... au revoir LJ and your extreme emoness lol.

Happy Bday i Guess

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 16:56:47 GMT

21 and I've become my father.... my need for money has left me ostracized from my friends and now the only bday card i got was from Bookie from the inside edge just cos im a member...yay 20 bucks at jackastors.... but the cost is high for working, I have no one to celebrate my bday with..... So, 21, alone, and definately not living up to my young potential.... I'll be 30 in no time and thnking, "I wish i did that when i had the chance and I was young enough to do it..." I've grown up too fast and I didnt enjyo a day of my youth....

Women.... they're evil things....

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 03:18:11 GMT

Just like the bartending teacher said, "get interview by a woman, and you might as well just kiss your resume goodbye...." SO FUCKING TRUE.... in that interview today the moment I walked in I could sense her scanniing my weaknesses and then once the interview began she ripped me to shreads..... that GREEDY bitch..... that was the WORST, most UNFRIENDLY interview I've ever had....and you know what? after I had a good cry i went, what the fuck am I upset about? I never would feel comfortable there, why am I upset over it??? why in this world do people only care about money....you read my rant earlier, if not, go read it and you'll udnerstand this money rant..... people have no empathy any more, no social skills, no abiity to sense if someone is upset, and no need to care if they are...just wanting their money and getting home to their home and their lonely fake life..... WOMEN most of all, once they feel threatened, they'll do whatever it takes to make sure their comfort lvl remains comfortable....and no woman, no matter how qualified, is going to take that from her..... whatever happened to women joining together and fighting for their rights, have we turned on eachother in greed? we're not blood thirsty war monger....we're women! we used to have hearts once...we used to bear children and devote our lives to family and friends...now we have our priorities changed because we think we have freedom now....I think this works for the gov't better, thats why they let us have our freedom....populations decreasing, more people are working, paying taxes, this means they can up the cost of living, making us greedier and hungrier for money.... All this ranting from an interview.... I hate women like that.... people need to learn to have a heart again..... I care too much about what ppl think of me, but you know what, I'm starting to want to keep that trait, it's a rare one.....

Hehe songs = cheering up b4 interviews....

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 18:31:32 GMT

I used to sing this b4 on my way to visit Jesse in windsor... ;) Ok, the lyrics arent EXTREMELY lovey dovey but I think its the whole country sound in the background, and the sound as if it's a road song, travelling miles to see the one you love ;)

Empty Road, Matthew Good

Throw away your anger
Throw away the sheath
Charge and spike your heavy guns
Because that ain't no kind of belief
Dream of where it left you
When you were still too young
To know the difference between the faith in your heart
And the politics of looking dumb
It's all I know
This empty road
It keeps me looking for a place in your heart
It's all I know
Said brother are you weary?
Said sister are you safe?
Has this world got you thinking
That it ain't nothing but jailers cage?
Well child there ain't no worries
And child it ain't no thing
Because this world's too old to hate you
And too young to give up spring
It's all I know
This empty road
It keeps me looking for a place in your heart
It keeps me looking for a place in your heart
It keeps me LOOKIIIIN for a place in your heart
It's all I know
It's all I know
It's all I know.....

Billionth entry entitled... "Dont get out of bed just, lay back down your pretty head"

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 18:27:49 GMT

Diminishing families...and a man tests god....

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 18:08:56 GMT

Just reading the news and watching news videos with Tool playing in the background....kind of makes things a bit more sinister... I'm pretty upset with myself actually with the whole Gay Marriage Ban topic, because I see where the politicians are coming from, the traditional family unit is falling apart, people are divorcing left and right, people are with the same sex, children are being made with machines, if at all, because the birth rate is severely dropping...Not too long ago if I were to say "I'm pregnant" it would have been a glorious occasion....But now, "You've fucked up your life you moron!" Children used to be a blessing.... now they're a neussance that supposedly get in the way of work and money.... I even for once agree with the pope that children being made by science instead of the loving environment babies used to be made in, is a bad thing, or could be.... there has to be some negative side effect to being made in a test tube and not in love.... but there isn't love in the world anymore is there??? no one wants a wedding, no one wants a family, it's all too much money, hassle, work....all for one and one for one..... just sex and money and food, thats all there is to life right? NO.... I miss the traditional way of things....when the world wasn't travelling so fast, ppl weren't so rude and cruel to one another, they had empathy, they knew how to talk to ppl....rather than sending an email that doesnt really let them know how the person on the other side feels....we've forgotten how to interact with one another.... we've lost something along the way..... we're animals now....greedy animals feeding, preying on others, and fucking our way to the end.... BUT....BUT then there's the other side, maybe the same sex couples have found something we haven't in our travels....maybe knowing how to please one another and make the other happy cos they know how to, since they are just that, is merely a Roman secret long forgotten...but in that case, we'd need to bring back the women baby makers, and the men who loved and respected one another.....or, maybe I'll travel back to the spartan times, when everone just loved, well, everyone! even tho they may have killed the weak babies and said, "either come back victorious or come back on your shields!" we may never have been right about the right way to live in all our time here on earth, but I think there were good times....when women were thought of as wonderful mothers and wives, and men were thought of as protectors and romancers.... Shivalry seems to be dead, and I wonder if it will ever return....or will women grow more bitter and cruel, and lost self esteem men grow weaker and more depressed, with a lost sense of self.... because that's where we're headed and are facing right now..... I'm not quite sure why i ranted like this, but I miss the fairy tale endings....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news??? A man jumps into a lions den at the zoo and gets on his knees to pray....if there is a god, he will save me, as a lion grabbed him by his neck while the others came in and killed him....I wonder what he thought or realized at that moment??? Did god tell him when he got to heaven, "I'm not that quick on my feet kid....plus, that was just plain dumb...." or, did he come to the realization, maybe there wasn't a god??? who knows.....

What my band will be.....

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 14:25:58 GMT

If ever in this lifetime I am blessed with a band..... I want it to be named this: Hung Fat and the Chicken Balls

Yes, anywhoo, it's a day of job searching and I laughed like crazy when contacted by Cornerstone... (they didnt know who I was, they just found me on Barserve....and then I made an ass out of myself saying this: "Oh I know Elicia! that place was so much fun, the pool tables everything, oh and I know that other guy....whats his name??? He's half asian really nice...." "Randy" "YAAA Randy" OMG DO I NOT KNOW WHEN TO SHUT UP!?!?!?!!) prolly wont work there but Ill hop in for a laugh haha.....I'd rather an Irish pub, not the russian mafia....and that's Elicia's place, I want to keep it that way :) I would feel like a mooch or something, i can't think of the word, but I know it'd be a form of stealing somehow..... I gotta start somewhere tho, hehe....hopefully an irish pub'll open their arms to me!!!! I looked up irish pubs online n' I found "Shannon's Irish Pub." I must make the trip to winnipeg, because i have to go there before I die....it feels like my destiny lol..... where IS winnipeg???? *shrugs* anywhoo, Irish pub = feelin at home, so I gotta find a good one....there's one right next to my house, but it requires the waitresses to wear a short skirt.... *sigh* i went there with my dad n' bro, n' she puts her leg up on the chair so we can all pretty much see Australia down below....*shudders* yeah, so if ne one know of an irish pub nearby em, lemme know!!!!

Im so over-playing this song but I love it lol

Thu, 25 May 2006 23:54:08 GMT

Ya, so I dont write in forever and all i have to say is....well sing.....or type? lol whatever haha, these lyrics....I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!

Crazy by Gnarls Barkley

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Possibly

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice
That's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember Is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Hrmmm....

Fri, 19 May 2006 02:28:38 GMT

You WILL hire me, the power of christ compells u! HAHAHAHA yes.... i've lost it....

but maybe it's because I mixed nutella with olive bread.... crazy? yes....delicious? yes..... I'm tired, and I've had several days lacking sleep.... all for a good cause I might add ;) but tonite, sleep comes for many hours....wish me luck, I'm going in.....

ahhhhh le love.... haha

Ps. I must have the little chihuaha-type dog.... tell me all you want that its a chihuaha, that thing, is a daschund chihuaha.... DAMNIT I KNOW IM RIGHT.....

oh man I'm in a good chocolatey mood... Im so happy I finally gave in to the urges n' bought some nutella haha....

HAAAPPY MADRES DAY!

Mon, 15 May 2006 00:14:22 GMT

To all the mothers that put up with our shit, lol, THANKYOU! (pretty much sums up what i put in my moms card with sum tasty chocolates...)

Hurt....

Thu, 11 May 2006 03:04:41 GMT

Well, I'm officially hurt, i thought things would just cease after I was told that I wasn't liked anymore.... oh well, I've moved on, because I wont try for someone who doesn't care for me as I do for them, anymore.... aside from that, things are alright.... feelin kinda sick n' drained tho, not sure why, and my nightmares have been so intense, it's insanity....my back is hurting like mad too....and, my fishie died :( blah..... growing my nails tho! somehow haha.... that'll be short lived... I swear this whole summer thing tho has ppl in a rage somehow, i dont get it.... but it's true, ppl do get pissier once it gets hot, i've been seeing it a lot lately... I'm just gonna try keep cool lol..... blah i dont wanna work tomorrow... I need a bartending job. PRONTO! I just need to get aweeee bit skinnier n' then i'll be hired.... I hope. fuck it feels like my chest is collapsing right now, stress I assume. Why do I care so much?? why do I just wanna suddenly have the key to it all to make everything all better? it's on my mind so much.... *sigh* c'est la vie I guess.... all that is good has to come to an end sometime.... and I feel as if maybe it's because I'm not needed anymore, so there's no need to forgive.... I dunno, i'll never be able to figure it out.... I've said my sorry's, but there's only so many times i can do that..... oh well.

Moving on, cos i don't want to talk of that anymore, I'm lvl 56!!! haha, FTW.... can't believe it, 4 to go and I'm done.... jesse's been playing like mad, in fact, last nite, i was so tired from work, I fell asleep while he played and woke to the smell of food.... then dozed back to sleep....where i had the most INTENSE nightmare... I could not believe that it wasn't a dream it was that intense....a ghostly woman flew up into my face with her hands waving at me, fingers made out of knives, and decorated on those knives were tarot card designs....and she screamed, "YOU MADE THE WRONG CHOICE! NOW YOU SUFFER!" as she slashed at my face over and over, as I felt each stab until i forced myself to wake.... I scared Jesse :S didn't mean to... i had one of those tv wake ups where they sit up and go "AH!" in a weak whisper.... lol.... odd.... I'm thinking its both those times i got a tarot card reading saying if I choose one way I'll be so happy and if the other, it's eternal hell for me lol.... shit... so who knows what that choice was... I'll never know.... but that was my horrifying dream, and for some reason my chest still feels like its caving in,....really hard to breathe tonite.... I need to just take a chill pill and stop worrying about what others think of me and just worry about me..... damn me lol....damn me to hell... or um, no, I'll pass on the hell ty :)

Today was brightened ;)

Tue, 09 May 2006 02:49:38 GMT

2 good things in one day.... IF i end up with the money....in fact, 3..... my car is getting fixed, = the guy is busted ;) he'll think twice next time he gets drunk and decides to smash up a car....Mogwai IS BACK, if you don't know mogwai....u dont know amazing videos with men throwing pets off buildings as they hold eachother when the music builds up with the saddness.....ya.... AND, I just love Jesse haha..... the sweet bum actualy missed me, so I hopped in the car to surprise n' cheer him up...sure it was only a 30 min visit, and sure I hate that building for the life of me, but it was just him so I was fine :) He lifted me up in one arm and EVEN stopped using the computer...he must've really missed me.... so now I'm like a giddy little girl with my Brit candies from the Brit shop, cos i had a hankering for some pies, tarts, and imported candies ;) I had an irish dinner, the house smells like ireland, aside from the beautiful intake of the green grass.... GOD i miss ireland.... There are 3 places I'd like to move to.... Ireland....Pembroke, (ya i said pembroke hahaha, the memories of that "beach" the niceness and relaxedness of the people....) and Bradford, same thing as Pembroke, only my family lives there.... not AS relaxed tho, but close enough.... :) The only way to be extra relaxed is to go where my Uncle Marvin lives, right near Pembroke outside Ottawa, on a huge ass farm with his animals :) peaceful....away from the insanity.... I long for it....but i'm at peace right now, because I have love in me....

Sat, 06 May 2006 04:27:52 GMT

Daily Extended Forecast for May 05, 2006
Provided by Astrology.com Daily Teen Forecast

Pull back your focus a little bit, there -- you are only seeing one small aspect of a huge (and growing) situation. What you think is a potentially drastic problem is really nothing -- you may not realize is that other people are involved, and they have been doing a killer job of holding up their end of things. So if you step back and look at the big picture today, it will become immediately apparent that not everything has been resting on your shoulders -- you can let go a bit.

Broken....

Fri, 05 May 2006 15:41:50 GMT

The white flag may be up, but the fact that you think that ignoring me and ignoring this situation will make it all go away, hurts me so much....I realize now I was nothing more to you than a ride and someone to vent your daily rantings at.... if you cared at all about me, we'd be talking this out, but since we arent, I see your heartless side.... In my family, if we argue over something, we argue until it ends where we come to an understanding, and then talk about how we can better the situation, and end it all in a hug.... you need to work things out or else they get far worse than what they were....but this is if you truly care about that person, and I care enough about you to work this out.... you're not only hurting me now as well, you're hurting those around you, because hatred spreads like wild fire.... revenge is not sweet my dear, revenge only hardens the heart....this whole issue is not this big, this is about you putting your mistake all on me so you don't have to feel that you yourself hurt your family and your mom. This is so you don't have to sit back and think, "why did I do all that to everyone just so I could have a little fun?" Now you can sit back, and say, "shannon is the cause of all of this." Meanwhile not facing me because you can't now that you have done so much damage....you fear facing me now.... After I always put myself out there for you, when I was sick and tired and I could have just gone home to bed, I took you to sudbury because I promised you, and I knew it would make you happy.... and here you are, turning your back on me as if you don't know me anymore.... You have no idea how you've hurt me..... I've apoligized time and time again, but there comes a point where apoligizing can go no further.... there comes a point where the other needs to talk back so it can be worked out.... you've taken this so far, your original issue with me has grown..... if I'm not worth talking this over with, I want you to never ask me of anything again, ever.... I love putting myself out for those who I care for, driving to pick them up in the middle of the night, grabbing them icecream late at night after Im exhausted, would you ever do these things for me? never....I know you you are now....you've removed your mask.... until we talk, this is all I can think of now..... this is what happens when you put something off like this, it grows like a weed, taking over....becoming a vine, and attaching itself to others in its path....you're hurting not only me, but yourself, and your family....you need to talk this out with me, even if it ends badly, because then we would know together and settle it and understand one another to finally end this..... life can't go on this way and you know it.... I don't understand the, "slam the door" and not talk to the other until you've forgotten the original reason you were angry for.... it doesn't solve anything, you'll just continue to bottle it up....and it's not healthy....talk to me, because I care enough to reach out....it's coming to the point where I can no longer reach for you, I can't hold on much longer.... dont let it get to the point where I let go of you completely, because we've been through enough together that this shouldn't happen....

Come to accept.....

Thu, 04 May 2006 04:48:44 GMT

I get it, I'm not worth forgiving, all this time, all that has been, I'm not worth it....all that I did for you, and even what you have done for me, I understand you want to give all that up to continue to ignore me day after day..... I surrender, the white flag is up, I can only cry and try for so long, I can only put out so much of myself and then I have to realize, if I'm not worth it..... I'm not worth it.... so much for being close like family, because family doesn't do this to eachother....family doesn't let the one who is in the wrong suffer day after day apoligizing and apoligizing.... they work it out, they talk it out, and it's ended and you move on.... people make mistakes, and I guess if a mistake that was still yours to have started that I tried to fix.....ending badly, and I admit, I shouldn't have gotten involved, but like a family member I tried to be there for you and help..... I guess if it's so unforgiveable, I'll understand and stay away from you..... just let me go and tell me you'll never forgive me instead of letting me live in this silence and I pour out my heart entry after entry, and through emails crawling on hands and knees for forgiveness....as if i had murdered someone..... I don't know what to do, but the white flag is up.... I can do no more..... all I can do is miss what was.... because I think of you as family, and losing a family member, as a cancerian, feels like the end of the world....and being unable to do anything about it, makes me feel weaker than..... anything i can imagine....

sigh

Thu, 04 May 2006 04:39:27 GMT

Horoscope, stop being right.... I just feel so alone right now tho, I feel the need to act, the need to fix, the need to not be ignored anymore.... the grudge is killing me....the stress is destroying me....

Cancer
(June 22-July 22)
The easiest solution is usually the least dramatic; the pyrotechnics can be very distracting. Take a step back and several deep breaths, and then you'll see what the easiest solution is to the whole matter.

I hate the grudge....

Thu, 04 May 2006 00:37:46 GMT

I dont think anyone knows how much i beat myself up over something i've done.... but not acknowledging me at all just lets it build up and build up and build up..... worse everyday, it's not being looked into, it's not being worked out, and the sadness grows while I wish I could turn back the clock....and then I wonder, why am I freaking out over something so little? I should be mad that my attempts in apoligizing are being ignored....but then I know.... it's because I'm missing her....I hate my emotional ways....

Cancer
(June 22-July 22)
Wouldn't you rather be loved for your own self rather than for some idea of what you think a lovable person is? The truth is, your genuine personality is far more lovable than any facade you might put up in its place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to gramma's yesterday, we had a good cry about how I've forgotten about my own family when i've put all my time and energy and love into Jesse's family....and there may come a day when jesse's family might not be in my life, but my family is my family forever and I shouldn't be putting them second all the time..... I should visit my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, my grandma, grandpa.... make it like the old days.....as I told her my downward spiral, and she asked, "why don't you look after yourself?" and I surprisingly admitted, "because I'm not worth it" and we cried some more until we decided I needed out of my negative home, and that i needed to be on my own and be close to my other family members..... cos the environment here is killing me, with running away to jesse's and then returning to a mom who ignores me to play her game 24/7..... I love her, i worry for her....I just dont know what to do anymore.....

I have many stresses on my plate.... the owing money somehow to the sorority, 300$..... the car situation.....worrying still about steph....piecing my family back together.....moving out.....wondering if jesse feels the way I do and how i want us to be together always, which is complicated in a world where marriage is now frowned upon, romance is nonexistant, and children are a waist of money, time, and are just plain in the way.... I want to go back in time when values mattered, when family was your goal, and marriage was something to be proud of......

I HATE THE WORLD, we're living in our own created hell...

The love will get so strong it will torture you....

Tue, 02 May 2006 17:45:38 GMT

I love my family so much, and yet I just want to leave it all behind, just at least a month lol....but they are so frustrating with treating me as if everything that comes out of my mouth is baby jibberish and that they cant understand me, so they decide for me..... WHY?! WHY CANT THEY LISTEN.....

I feel like I'm drowning

Everyone just go away!

Tue, 02 May 2006 17:21:31 GMT

I'm hating all of this right now, my family at the moment are discussing moving me to california and to never see Jesse again... they found out that I went to sudbury, the parking ticket gave it away, they blame the fact that my car is damaged cos I kept going to see jesse, they blame me putting jesse's family first for going to sudbury where "YOU COULD HAVE DIED!" supposedly the more I drive the closer it brings me to death.... WTF.... and now the Delta Zetas are saying they're reporting me to the collection agency cos i owe them money for being a member when I'm NOT a member, I quit before i even became one....WHAT THE FUCK?! is everyone out to get me right now?! I'm wishing I could just go back in time n' not have gone anywhere, just stayed at home and be a selfish little hermit.... because after that sudbury trip, where did it get me? steph's not even talking to me after i sent a really long email apoligizing and just literally crawling on hands and knees for forgiveness because i dont know how I can take it knowing that every time i go there she's still pissed at me, when I just wanted to make her situation better for her.... TO STEPH, PARENTS HATE THE PEOPLE THEIR KIDS DATE, it's a fact.... just ask every guy I've dated, how petrified they are of my family.... ALL OF THIS WAY MY DECISION!!!!! LISTEN!!! I'm screaming here, why aren't they listening?! ITS MY FAULT, now everyone leave me alone until I've sorted all this out!!!! If I get sent to california, I dont know what to do.... I'd be nothing without Jesse, I'd be lost without his family.... they've molded me into the person I am today, and my heart forever belongs to him.... without him....I'd have to turn myself completely numb in order to avoid the pain that I'd feel....he's apart of me, it's like splitting me in half and sending one half to another county and hoping the halves can survive apart....all this because I took a trip and got a ticket....all this because I went to windsor....I'm still happy I went to windsor n' visited jesse to cheer him up on the weekend's he missed me.....I'm extatic I went to sudbury cos I met Steve and his dad and we had a ball, "why did we go? to show that we were there".....but, lesson here: no matter what you do for people, you're the one you have to bail out all alone in the end

Everyone just leave me alone....

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 22:45:52 GMT

This is the last thing I'll do for anyone because I'm sick of doing things for people and no matter what it always ends up upside down.... Im bringing Jesse to windsor, and then bringing him back... I'm in pain and upset because the pills im taking are making me feel like I just had a baby and I'm going thru post partem depression.... the side effects include MAJOR estrogen and mood swings....and my birth control pills? same thing....so here i am wanting to cry every second, not feeling appreciated, while jesse's trying his best to make me feel better and I'm being the bitch from hell because I can't stand being in the same house as Steph when I know she's so upset with me.... Her mom was hitting the roof when i talked her down when she found shoes in the house....turns out steph wasn't that pro at hiding steve...so i told her about steve not knowing that no one is good enough for her children....which leaves me thinking her niceness with me is all a facade....just to get things out of me and be nice to jesse....maybe deep down she hates me....maybe deep down they're all hating me now....and maybe jesse'll never be the happy ending and I'll end up old and alone... I hate myself right now, I'm hating the moods, the downs, it keeps getting worse....and the pain.... just shoot me please.... Im in need of a hug, not a video game anymore....I'm in need of family...of companionship....and even jesse's loving massages and kisses and tucking me into bed with water and my chocolates isn't going to help...I'm going to be upset no matter what cos I'm caught wondering what if....and what of the future..... its these FUCKING PILLS, and my own guilt and grief over trying to fix something that wasn't mine to fix.... just kill me, I'm done.....

This just in....there is no god....

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 02:22:10 GMT

Britney Spears is pregnant again....there is no god....unless the child services can manage to get those kids away from that insane home.... she's already dropped on and fractured its skull :P lets not let her destroy another little life....

Ya, i've gotten waaaaay too involved in the media....anywhoo, here's how happy i am I guess....god i love quizzes telling me what i am, gives me more time to think about....well, me :P

Looks like what I'm told here is, I'm losing my mind..... maybe insanity's finally taking it's toll on ol' Shannie

This Is My Life, Rated
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